part 1/3: the insignificant

Posted on: March 6, 2010

when i was about five, i had to live in the province because my parents were poor and had no time to look after me. my maternal grandparents though were rich. i lived in our ancestral home, a villa by the sea. it was a big house and i loved it there because it had secret sliding doors, the cabinets were huge i could hide in them for hours.

i was so tiny that time. a little girl with butt long hair dressed in pastels… i only had one friend, a strawberry doll. my grandparents were always busy with work, they were popular and were always away… i had to eat in a big round table all by myself.

as i grew up… our financial situation got better. my dad was able to go to the states. he made planes. he made lots of money but then… he forgot about us. when i started studying, i  thought i’d do really good, you know, make him proud and all, prod him to love us back and so every year i never failed to make it to the honor society. i was particularly good in spelling and my friends were geeks. we all competed in our fields for the bulprisa, rio in general information, paulo in mathematics, and me in spelling, (odd that i hate reading now) it was supposed to be david for science but he lost during eliminations. i was always with the student council but… medals, rewards and speeches did not make my father budge. he was busy with his wives.

my mother on the other hand was used to living the life. and she never taught me how to clean the house nor cook. she was fervently religious, and most of the time would not come home because there was some event at the church. contrary to her religious nature, she was also reckless and a bit irresponsible… i did not have a curfew, it was me who got worried if it was past midnight and she was not home yet. when i started working, we had lots of fights when it came to money. she was sickly like me and i kept telling her to have herself checked up and now the only time i see her is when she is haunting me in my dreams.

my sister and i were always compared. she was the pretty one, i was the smart (not really “smart”) one… but the smart ones were common in the family. an uncle once approached me and said, “you know you’re not pretty like your sister.” i pretended to ignore it but i was fighting that feeling in my heart. for pageants they looked to my sister, for family portraits it would still be her… not that i wanted to do those things. the cousins were spoiled brats but were always favored by the elders for some reasons i would never know.

in the eyes of my ex-boyfriend’s pure chinese family i was a fly in their cristal… they could not afford to let a half-blood into the family. for my graduation dinner, bought a pure chinese girl with him. he says she was the fiancee. held the tears back an hour or so and emptied them after the main course at the backroom. he’d left after that.

my body’s weak, i know that… had been really sick once and after the nurses and doctors had taken off stuff from me, i laid on the hospital bed, helpless. i ate alone. i vomited alone. my tolerance for aspiration was low and i screamed in pain, nurses pinning me to a chair. my mind was yelling “make it stop!” later i would literally say the words… but they wouldn’t. hours later i would wake up and a cleaning lady would greet me.

i stare at the face of the person i love the most and he does not see me. what used to be a warm kind face is now a blank expression. to him, i am nothing. nothing but a dispensable piece of rag… useful at one point in time but then thrown aside after being used. i was glad to be that rag it was the best i could be for him.

thus a shadowed figure in a sea of thousands; a shrinking violet amidst the other flowers; an invisible being trampled upon even by the people she loves. that was me… that was the insignificant.

yun lang.

♥ melai


4 Responses to "part 1/3: the insignificant"

I’m always hir for you bheb..pag my prob, and u need help just tell me..mishu..muah!

pangit talagang makipagrelasyon sa mga intsek. Pwe.

hahaha. di naman lahat yun mga traditional lang… pero gustong gusto ko yung pagkakasabi mo ng “pwe” ^^,

Haha. Some of them JUST use that tradition shit to get away with it. Can they like get out of this country instead and marry those they look alike in their country? Ginagawa tayong palahian dito e. Pwe talaga. :))

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hello, my name is melai and i write to document the places i’ve been to, the things i’ve seen, and the books i’ve read. sometimes, i also write about food.

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